PHOENIX

It seems like eons since I've been here last. I'm everywhere ... but mostly on Xanga and Illicit now - though one is a mere shadow of the other: xanga: unsleepable; kinkfuzz.com/illicit - ask to be added ( both are private ). :-) 

See ya there!

♥♥

So yes, I'm updating... at long last, but I'm updating while I'm at work. Fantasic, hm? Anyway, I thought I'd tell you a little about how my life has been the past 2 weeks... and will continue to be until the 8th of June (3 day vacation!).

7:00a :: Wake-up and get ready
7:15a :: Begin walking to the gym
7:30a :: Arrive at gym and start running on the track (sprint a lap, jog a lap... etc)
8:30a :: Head to the weight room to work on tummy and butt -- yea, you ladies know how important it is to tone. *(-.o)*
8:45a :: Head home and wash up. Oh wait.. while walking home your friend calls. you haven't spoken in 5+months.
9:05 :: Uh, oh! Only talked 20 mins to the friend who you haven't seen in a year... now we're home and I have to take a shower and run out again. Bye, good friend.
9:10a :: Take shower
9:30a :: Do hair and run out the door w/o breakfast or water or anything to make a doctor's appointment.
9:50a :: Doctor's appointment. Phew, they're seeing me early. *smile*
10:20a :: Took longer than I expected. 
10:45a :: make calls, send e-mails and update PDA.
12:03p :: Nap before work... w/o food or water all morning. Too tired to eat.
2:30p :: Wake up with pillow mark on face: Doorbell is ringing: Who could it be? Oh, the maintance man... ;>_> 
3:00p :: Bye, George, the plumber. Hmm, kinda hungry. Oh, I haven't eaten at all today. *sigh*
3:15p :: Mmm tea and ramen, just what my body needs... (yea right).
3:35p ::Damn, can't finish that Sodi-licious Ramen, or I'll be late for work.
3:45p :: Work... Work... Work... Work.
12:15a :: Damn it! Those student's didn't show so I have to stay here once again! ;__; Sad panda.
2:00a :: Leaving for home... have to walk by myself 'cause the bus stops running. Asshole students. ;__;
2:30a :: just got home... pumped, can't sleep... need to wind down. Makes tea.
3:00a :: brushing teeth after having tea and a slice of toast.
3:20a :: Falls into bed slinking under my Panda Bear's arm... cozy... so warm... reaches over to set alarm for 7:00a to do it all over again.
3:30a :: Asleep.

So yes, as you can see, my life has been hell. :( I just thought I'd post it to give you all (whoever reads this shit) a taste of what it's like being me, for the moment... I'm really tired and I have a feeling that the students won't be coming in tonight again... so I'll be home at like 2:30a again. Hope I don't get killed on my way. I hate this area. lol ^_^; Sure, it's Yale, but the bad areas are all around it.

Love <3

Okay, so I didn't post anything yesterday but here are my totals. :D

May 2:
200 Calories consumed.
45mins on the track.

Today I had 1 liter bottles of water (Poland Spring Lime Ras Essence.)
One Banana Cream Pie Pudding Cup: 30 Cals. ^_^

And 45 mins of running on the track.

Lost 2 lbs from the 1st. I know I shouldn't be weighing myself so soon, it could be water weight... but I'm pretty impatient. :)

We'll see how the rest of the day and week goes. :D I'm trying pretty hard... I wish I could be more didicated or less tired. LoL :)

Yes, a new month, a new goal. I am aiming for 10lbs this month. I'll try to document my diet and workour plan day by day and post weight lost at the end of each week. Unfortunately, you won't get to see my actual weight until I'm happy with the #. Meaning: When it's in the double digits - JK.

Today:
Breakfast: Tea, no sugar and a slug of Skim Milk. (10 cal)
10:00 - 1 Hr. Cardio (huge thing of Poland Spring Sparkling Water(Lime-Raz)) (0 cal)
Lunch: 2 Pickles (10 cals)
Went to work.
Dinner: Rice (200 cals)
Total Caloric Intake: 220 Calories

I won't have any snacks once I get home but I'll have a cup or two of tea before bed. I may even have a round of Resident Evil 4. Oh yea! >_<; Can't stay up too late, however. I need to get up early to try running on the track as it'll burn more calories than the machine. :) Not to mention, running is simply better for your heart. :D

GL

I have talked with the figure whom everything sees
It was a foggy day, about twenty-five degrees
It appeared to me there in the tv of my head
An elaborate colorfull swirling, empty and dead
It summed up it’s message in a word so familiar
A waterwheel with holes. Our planet ‘s atmosphere
A powerful theology, one we’ve seem to have missed
But to say it is wrong, is to prove that it exists

OMFG. I am so tired. My hours for work and working out have changed drastically. Summer classes seem to be on the horizon. Not sure where I should take them. I have to make sure my university will take the credits I earn at another university (simply because it's cheaper!!). *sigh* I'm so tired that my eyes have been watering all night.

Mew Mew... nap with me. -.-zZ

My mind breaches
cascades with water
incomprehesible
for none seems to come out
This excersize
rains
curved sweat
onto my drum

A smile forms.
I choose to choose
which is
to glance at the clock

I grasp my lips
and bury them
in the shredded
documents.

Spit me out onto the reconcillial mind.
Love between us, love is young;
Our minds forever slowing down.
When I start to feel sublime,
It's everybody in, my mind.

Blood is empty
Red is free
Pump together, you and me.
The pages that I pinch
With ephemeral grace
Knowledge is an artist
of the utermost grace

I have talked with the figure whom everything sees
It was a foggy day, about twenty-five degrees
It appeared to me there in the tv of my head
An elaborate colorfull swirling, empty and dead
It summed up it’s message in a word so familiar
A waterwheel with holes. Our planet ‘s atmosphere
A powerful theology, one we’ve seem to have missed
But to say it is wrong, is to prove that it exists

I wander around this rather temporary scenery; there is no sun, nor no moon but yet a light seems to eminate from somewhere, it almost annoy me that I can't stay focused on this phenomenon long enough to care.

I ponder around the corners feeling the irresitable transmission from an unknowable reality. But yet this screen, this invicible reality seems to offer something extra, something which requires a deposit that I will never get back.

I lock eyes with the key of me own satisfaction, the few syllables that actually matter. The silence is blaring and the flourescent lights flicker silently. A square of continuance enveloped light and content.

I write this without the intention to offend or depress, but with that I must confess, I feel I must tell you that I write this to cheer you, to ignite the fear into your heart of mispelled thought intentions and potentiality.

Do not look to the sun, for it will only show you your own doubt, a set of push ups you use to look at my own dark outline. Muscles strain, and blood declines from the unknown surplus, my perceptual image. I see it as thus, and as do you, for granted in this game for two, I brave the storm of your excited sigh.

Grant me the earthquake of a bicuspate fault; the realization of the same into the depths of my stomach. Without the time or day, or the radiation of knowledge to the rolling spheres on a ramp of imperfections. You show me where to strive; that all so familiar face in the clouds.

My mind is the ticklish grass on the hill in which I lie on. I stare up at you... and I can't help but be amazed.

I have 25 mins left until I have to start work. Part of me is happy and part of me is sad for loosing the freedom that I had. X_x But hey, it's all about the monies, no lie. :D Anyway, later. I don't want to spend my last moments of freedom online. LoL Ciao.

HAHA! Panda just licked my forehead. X_x Ew... salivaly! LoL Okay, down to business. Today is my second day out of the Philpot Law Office and I feel all the better for it. :) I totally grok being able to workout during the morning and relax for the rest of the day. I picked up my last paycheck from the Law Office leaving them in my past 4evah! LoL Anyway, I begin my new job this coming Sunday at 3:45p and work until 12:15a. D: Crazy hours for sure, but, again, it is worth is as I can do my schooling during the day and workouts during the mornings. :-) Anyway, I just thought I'd give a brief update as I'd hate to leave people hanging... not that anyone really knows about this place. lol [shrug] Love.

Well, I gave in a week notice. Any notice, to be honest, is fair. This is how the event played out:

I opened with "I have good news." and began to tell him of the job offer and my acceptance of that. I told him I would be starting on the 19th, a Sunday, but if it's at all possible, I would also like to continue working here as we had planned for however long you needed me.

Okay, let's review: I am willing to work eventhough I could toss the towel in on Friday and never see Philpot again. I worded it so that *he* would feel he has the upperhand by granting or denying me the ability to work until they hire someone. I'm putting myself out to stick around and help them.

His response, okay, that's fine, I'll let Stacy know, congrats on the new job.

It seemed abit abrupt to me so I proposed that we talk about the schedule I'll be working (granted at this point I thought he understood what I was telling him and had agreed to.). He stopped for a moment and actually thought about what I was saying. Apparently, he thought I was saying that I'll be fine to work both jobs at the regular schedule, continuously until Stacy came back. He then thought, for some reason, I was trying to manipulate the job and make it conform to "My schedule". At which point he said that he resented the fact I was trying to change the job description and tell him how to run his business.

Okay, at this point I realize he didn't listen to a word I just said and my initial attempts to appear humble and put myself out of sleep and try my best to work with them for as long as I could help was swiftly rended asunder. *sigh* I proceeded to back track and reiterate what I had just said, "I am not trying to take control of the situation. I came to you with inquary about working with you. I put the continuance of my position here in your hands. I just wanted to let you know, that if you would like to have additional help that I would be more than willing to stay but that I won't be able to stay for the last 2 hours of the day. That's all." He wouldn't have it, "You agreed that you would stay until Stacy came back from her vacation. You said this just last week." I contested, "I said that I would continue to work if a position fell through but that I would obviously have to make the new position a priority." He was pissed, "You also made it very clear that you weren't going to take the position if they didn't offer you sufficient salary etc." I let him know, "I took this position because not only did they increase my salary by 75% but they are also offering me immediate Health Care without co-pay; well over 38 days for persona, sick and vacation; and help with tuition fees etc." He stoped and thought abut it, "Yes, you do need all of those things. Did you even ask if you could start later?"
At this point I knew exactly what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I had the choice of starting later. I told him, "They wanted me to start this Monday. I asked if I could have an extension of the second week in April and they told me that I would lose my place to another candidate as they needed someone A.S.A.P." I had to lie otherwise he would have held it against me. He said that it's good that I'm taking an initiative to advance but that it was about integrity. He said that he resented the fact that 1) I gave them but one week's notice (which is funny anyway as I don't have to give him shit for notice.) 2) I'm trying to manipulate the job description. (I came to him with the proposition, I didn't say, "This is what we're doing, take it or leave it.") 3) That I obviously had the upperhand and I was coming to him offering a solution for both parties. He hated it and I did nothing but stay calm. All I coulddo was reiterate my prime point: I have a new job and I would like to stay with the office and help for as long as you need me and that was it.

He just was pissed that I wouldn't be there all day, first of all, and secondly that he may have to pick up a little of the slack. He was't listening to a word I said so he continued to insist that I was trying to manipulate my job status by saying, "That's for me to decide, not you." eventhough I kept saying, "That's why I'm asking (YOU FUCKING RETARTD!)". Without what's put in paranthesis. *sigh* At the very end of it he said, "Listen, I don't want it to be where we're mad at eachother but I disagree." I told him that I wasn't there to get angry at anyone, just to let him know of the good news and know that I was still willing to be there for the company if it's what you'd like. And we ended it there. I thanked him and smiled. He said congrats again and I went upstairs and tried not to cry 'cause he's an asshole mother fucker. :D

At anyrate, because of his attitude, I can easily just say "Fuck you" and leave Friday w/o ever seeing them again. I'm sure he knows this which is why he's going to get back to me and said, "I don't want us to be angry with eachother." I mean, the only person getting "angry" was him because he doesn't know how to control his emotions. And, you know how I get when people are upset around me. I tend to listen and watch it all w/o expression because all my turmoil is happening just under the surface until I get a private moment to release it. *sigh* I have a migraine becasue I still haven't cried or released this tension. Fuck. I just feel sick because of it. :-(

Anyway, that's how it went. He's going to talk with Stacy about it to see what she wants to do. He probably gave her some warped description of how it came to pass. Oh well, either way I win.

That was basically the e-mail I had sent Panda explaining the whole situation.

At this pount, though, I have been told that TODAY is my last day. I know for a fact that they need me to work the rest of the week at the very least but because Philpot is so stuck up his own anus he had Stacy (he couldn't even say it himself) tell me at the end of the day that today is my last day. She looked scared like I was going to flip out or something. Bitch never delt with someone who had class, I guess. I graciously asked if they would be alright for the rest of the week, giving them another chance to pull out, but she said that she would be fine. I said thank you, that I'd be there to pick up my check tomorrow, and left. :D I'm okay for money as my Tax return should come in soon and I'm starting my second job this coming Sunday. I have about a week to rest, or so I see it. :D -^_^-

I guess, what really upsets me about the whole thing isn't that they let me go early but that I know *why* they let me go and the way Philpot handled himself during that pissed me off. He was less than professional on all accounts. A total and utter asshole.

Loneliness:

casting stones
into the ocean—
empty winter sky

Today I'm going to give my employer my notice as I've accepted the position at Yale University. (WOO! FUK U PHILPOT!) :D Anyway, because I am in need of money (LOL Aren't we all?) I'll be working for Philpot and Yale University at the same time. How I'll manage this *and* school I have no idea! But alas, I shall do it! >:D Because Yale is my priority I'll be shortening my schedule at Philpot's. I intend to work for them until they find a replacement for me as I "don't want to leave them without ample staff". ;-) So yes, I'll break the news to Philpot in about 20 mins. :)

Reflect:
The weekend was pretty awesome. :) We just lounged around and relaxed. No pressure for anything, no stress at all. Though, I have to admit that I was a tad grumpy from the anticipation of today. I'm not fond of telling Philpot that I'm leaving simply because I know how he is! >:( He's crude and crass. He's hardly a professional when met with trying situations where he's put on the back burner. At this point, he's no different than a person I would meet on the street. He's expendable, and he'll know that, and he won't like it. He'll try to regain the upper hand on the situation by making it appear as though I need him when it's clearly the other way around. And that's the last thing I really want: A power struggle. It's the last thing I need... but, I must digress once again as I'm getting off topic in the paragraph about my weekend! (That's why I was stressed.) After letting it out with some tears, however, I felt fine and much more relaxed; I had to wonder why I just didn't let it out sooner. Thank you, Panda, for being my pillar once again, my fluffy shoulder to nap. And yes! I've found a new, perfectly wonderful past time: Shoulder naps. :D I absolutely love sitting in his lap while he's working on the computer, or watching television and napping on his shoulder. It's so relaxing to hear his heartbeat and listen to his breaths. It's what I've needed, and I'm glad he permits me. :D Haha! ^_^ It's so calming, more calming than anything.

[siiiggghhh]

I'm happy today, just a tinge of nervousness but that will quickly dissipate when I step into his office. ^^;

Can't wait to work out tonight. I've been doing H.I.I.T. and I've been seeing some fantastic results. :D I think it's what I needed to breach my plateau. ;-)

<3Panda

Until next time, ciao bella.

Well, the job that I had been interviewing for and waiting to hear back from for a month and a half has finally come through for me. :D Yep, that's right, folks, I'm now hired!!! I start on the 19th at 3:15pm and end at 12.45am. I have the mornings for class and extra work. I'm going to be working at the law office until April but since I'm the one with the leverage I'll be able to leave early enough to head to Yale. So, when I break the news to Mr. Philpot I'll do it gently but honestly and use my position as leverage for making more money, essentially. lol!! I'm a capitalist. :p Oh well. Ciao for now.

So yea, a lil'sumthin' sumthin happened yesterday in regards to the job I was interviewing for and my current position. Apparently Yale called me current position, foolishly, for a recommendation. As I asked them not to call unless they were seriously considering me as a candidate, I'm going to hope that I get a call from them telling me I have the job before the end of this week if not by the beginning of next week. *please,please,please* At the moment, I'm trying to do everything in my power not to mess up as it looks pretty bad that I'm Job Hunting while having just started working for this law office but 2 months ago. TWO! To make it worse, I'm still on a 90 day probation period so I'm expendable and they can fire me whenever for whatever reason. It's pathetic. -.-; At the moment, I have no job security and if things don't pan out for employment at Yale, well, I'm up river without a paddle, as they'd say. At the moment, I have a coworker that isn't really talking with me, and a boss who now feels the need to overload me with work. *sigh* It's pathetic, really. :( I'm also meant to take my lunch break later in the day. [sigh] What a grand mess this is... I just can't wait to have the power to say, "I'm starting my new job on Monday. I have the opportunity for immediate health care and it's what I desperately need. I would like to continue helping this office out until you find a new candidate but these are the terms, blah blah blah." I'd feel all powerful and "in your face" as they weren't the kindest when talking to me about the prospect of "moving up and out" of this office.
Anyway, it's that time of the month again and it's seriously draining me. Totally exhausted and I don't think I'll exercise today simply because of it. I missed working out yesterday as well because of this very reason. *sigh* No matter... I'll still be working out for at least days this week which is what I promised would be my absolute minimum when it came to weekly working out. So, I suppose I'll still make my target by April. Come on hot body! ^^;;

The weekend was awesome, folks. Simply awesome. My beau and I spent a lot of great time together and, at last, it was simply stress free. We've agreed that the weekends should be stress free as the week tends to be complete havoc. Having exercised last night my bum is on fire and my legs burn each time I take a step but I absolutely welcome these aches as it means I'm doing something right and I know it'll pay off in a couple weeks time. I don't want to write too much, I've a lot of work to do this evening and still a long day ahead of me but I wanted to let everyone know that taking pleasure in simple things can be just as exciting as going all out and splurging on luxuries. That, I can grok. Ciao.

I am depressed again. I hate being on the horizon of my cycle because I just end up crying all the time. Damn it, I hate this shit... everything upsets me. Everything.

Honestly, it seems like everything and nothing. I'm so overwhelmed by my work and my duty that I simply can't sit still without my mind running a mile a minute. What's all of that about? Why am I so restless? I'm tired, damn it, tired of everything. I want it to be okay -- everything. I want to wake up in the morning and look at myself and love what I see. I want to feel like everything is fine.

[sigh]